


A new ending

by vampiric_mcd



Series: Life, death and rebirth are inevitable [1]
Category: Merlin - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-07
Updated: 2010-11-07
Packaged: 2017-10-13 06:56:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/134278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vampiric_mcd/pseuds/vampiric_mcd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In truth his biggest fear was that he himself never changed</p>
            </blockquote>





	A new ending

_**fic: (merlin) (Series: Life, death and rebirth are inevitable) Fic: A new Ending**_  
Title: A new ending  
Series: Life, death and rebirth are inevitable  
Prompt: Ends  
Fandom: Merlin  
Main Character: Merlin  
Summary: In truth his biggest fear was that he himself never changed  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: none  
Warnings: mention of reincarnation  
A/N: This takes place in a universe where Merlin and the other characters are reincarnated over and over again. There will be more ficlets and drabbles for this series.

  
A new ending  
“Life, death and rebirth are inevitable”  
By Rig Veda

  
They often said that death was the harbinger of forgiveness. Or they at least hinted very strongly that forgiveness might be procured in that final stage of life. So faced it was only normal to Merlin to wonder if he would ever receive the absolution. Since there was no true ending for him or any of the others. The rebirth they faced every lifetime chained down and alternately set them free – to a certain degree. But there was no true moment of starting over. There was no definite end. There was only a constant state of being, because in truth they always carried who they had been with them to the next life. And so, there could be no true forgiveness.

It was nice to pretend to be able to start anew though. And Merlin would be the first to admit how much he loved those new beginnings. In a way he craved them. Partially because he couldn’t stop hoping for the next life to truly make a difference – for something to really change. And yet, Merlin wondered if it really wasn’t the biggest lie they told themselves. The idea that they could one day truthfully start again. Because though most of their past lives are at times a blurry memory – a long forgotten déjà vu on the outskirts of awareness – they always come to remember their first life. They can never quite escape it.

No matter which profession Gwen choose – be it a nurse or a hard business woman – when Merlin closed his eyes he pictures her in that yellow dress. Whether Morgana moved in circles high or low, he could sense the innate grace of nobility in her very being – all that was remembered and forgotten. When he looked at Arthur – thief, butcher, policeman, CEO or teacher – he always saw his once and future king.

Contradictory, Merlin didn’t think that he’d ever get tired of seeing that sense of previous being it in them. Especially since Lancelot, Nimueh, Uther, Mordred, Gaius and many others had completely moved past their rigid roles. He never once conceived that he would get a bit tired of it all – of the other three. So it takes him by surprise when it does. It takes him by surprise when he realizes that it has in fact been a long time coming.

When he looks at the other three together Merlin could literally see history repeating itself – even when the reality of the situation doesn’t resemble past events – not really. And the repetitiveness and stagnant way of life grated at the very foundation of what Merlin wanted to be. He wanted to be a being that changed, because what else would be the point of this endless sequence of existence. And in the end, Merlin realized they in essence remained the same.

Every seemingly scripted line they spoke – every choreographed move they made. It made him want to scream – to see if they would notice and change direction. If they would care to take another route. He wondered if any of the four of them even could.

IN truth his biggest fear was that he himself never changed. In fact, the thought scared him more than he had thought possible. It scared him more than anything had in centuries. To live over and over and over again and not learning anything worthwhile – what could possibly be the point of that. How wasteful and worthless was their presence in the grand scheme of things. Merlin needed something to keep him grounded. He needed to know it mattered – that they mattered. Even if it only made sense to Merlin. It dawned on him that he was ready for something completely new – something totally different.

Apparently, Merlin was ready for something not quite them. It was funny how Merlin never quite saw that one coming. It was strangely funny how much the thought of leaving them behind scared the crap out of him – yet made him feel more alive than he could remember being.

And Merlin wondered if he hadn’t finally found the end he thought he could never achieve. In the end – or the beginning – it was easy to change.  
He only had to start with himself. He only had to have eyes for himself for once. He only had to find himself. Merlin thought that he experienced enough to fill several centuries worth over once more. The prospect scared him. It also gave him hope. He had not felt that in a long time. And he cherished it like the gift he knew it to be.

And so when took his first breath of his next life – Merlin smiled brilliantly and didn’t cry.

  
More at the [Masterpost](http://vampiric-mcd.livejournal.com/58521.html)  
(listed in order of posting as well as chronological sequence.)


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